


The City Bakery Stakeout (Or: How to Hallucinate Phil Coulson)

by codenamezinc



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Clint drinks waaaaaaaay too much, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, F/M, Gen, The Avengers question their sanity, also this may be borderline crack fic, just so you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-19
Updated: 2013-03-19
Packaged: 2017-12-05 19:10:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/726910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/codenamezinc/pseuds/codenamezinc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which The Avengers fear they are all suffering from the same hallucination and begin to wonder if Phil Coulson is actually alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The City Bakery Stakeout (Or: How to Hallucinate Phil Coulson)

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I don't really know what to say about this. I hope you enjoy it, because I had way too much fun writing it. 
> 
> I didn't use a beta, so any mistakes are my own. If you see them, tell me! (I promise I won't get upset.) Constructive criticism is always welcome. :)

Clint took another swig of beer and stared at the text message.   **  
  
** _From: Tasha_ **  
** _Have you been having hallucinations?_ **  
  
**This was most definitely Natasha’s roundabout way of telling him that she was hallucinating (probably something super-scary and Russian), but don’t worry, it’s not a big deal. Except for the part where she was hallucinating, so it probably was. **  
  
** _To: Tasha_ **  
** _What happened?_ **  
  
**The text came back almost immediately. **  
  
** _From: Tasha_ **  
** _I keep seeing Phil._ **  
  
**Clint nearly choked on his beer. Phil! She was seeing Phil. And since Natasha was generally the most level-headed of them all, that meant her hallucinations were real and Phil was alive! As soon as Clint finished thinking it, he realized how stupid he sounded. There was no way Phil was really alive. Natasha was just losing her mind. Yeah, that was it. Natasha was losing her mind. **  
  
**They were fucked. **  
  
**xxxx **  
  
**She insisted on meeting him at her safe house 85 miles outside the city. The one SHIELD didn’t know about. **  
  
**“I can’t have them thinking I’m crazy.” **  
  
**Clint nodded. He’d been there. **  
  
**Natasha offered him a drink. Clint hesitated; most of the liquid in the house was in large bottles with Russian writing all over them. He could read enough Cyrillic to recognize a massive vodka collection when he saw one. But if she wanted to get drunk together to deal with her Phil hallucinations, who was he to complain? Free vodka was free vodka. **  
  
**They both knocked back their first shot. “So, you hallucinated Phil?” **  
  
**“It’s… I can’t figure it out. I think it’s actually him.” **  
  
**Clint knocked back a shot. Then another. “I’m going to tell you something and you have to promise not to hit me: You’re starting to sound like a crazy person.” **  
  
**Natasha barely even registered that she heard him. “I was just taking a walk near Union Square and all of a sudden, Phil pops out of City Bakery.” **  
  
**“Hold on, Phil? At City Bakery?” **  
  
**“It’s not his style. Which is why I was convinced I was hallucinating.” **  
  
**They knocked back a few more shots. **  
  
**“The first time.” **  
  
**Clint almost sent the bottle flying off the table. “Shit... That’s really, really not... Fuck. Did I mention the sounding like a crazy person?” **  
  
**Natasha glared. “Every time I saw him it was at the exact same place, at the exact same time.” **  
  
**“You’re sure?” **  
  
**“Positive.” She gave him a look that meant she was clearly annoyed that he doubted her ability to remember to check little things like that. **  
  
**“And then…” Natasha paused as Clint knocked back two shots in preparation. **  
  
**“I saw him come out of the bakery, just like the first two times. But this time he talked to someone.” **  
  
**Hallucinations interacting with real people? Fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked. **  
  
**“Did _you_ try to talk to him, Nat?” **  
  
**“No. I was too freaked out. He was _talking_ to them Clint.” **  
  
**Clint sighed. This was not going well. He grabbed two tumblers and filled them with vodka. “Drink more.” **  
  
**“ _That’s_ your solution?” **  
  
**“I don’t have a solution, OK? You think you saw Phil, multiple times, at the same place, and saw him interact with other people you know to be real. Seriously, Nat. Keep drinking.” **  
  
**“Right. Keep drinking.” **  
  
**xxxx **  
  
**When he woke up the next morning, Clint’s memories of the previous night were pretty fuzzy. His head was pounding, he was in a very sparse bedroom, and the smell of eggs was wafting in from the kitchen. Ahhhh… The joys of a Russian vodka-induced hangover. He had just managed to sit up when his phone rang. It was Stark. Damn. The man wouldn’t stop calling until Clint picked up. **  
  
**“Hello?” His voice was raspy and he was pretty sure Stark could smell the alcohol through the phone line. “Unnngghh...” He rubbed his forehead. _Stop hurting, stop hurting, stop hurting._ **  
  
**There was an awkward pause, then: “Clint, have you been drinking? ‘Cause you sound hungover. Really hungover. Russian vodka, maybe? Are you and Natasha in the middle of something ‘cause I can always call back.” **  
  
**“No, no, it’s fine. What did you want?” **  
  
**“I saw Phil.” **  
  
**Clint stood up too fast, got dizzy, collapsed back on the bed, and noticed that there seemed to be a head-shaped indent on the second pillow. Huh. In fact, the entire other side of the bed looked like it had been slept in. **  
  
**“Shit. Was he uhhh...? On... Bake...” **  
  
**“On 18th Street coming out of City Bakery?” Tony sounded hesitant and possibly afraid. Clint would try to contemplate that when his head was normal again. **  
  
**“Yes!” **  
  
**“Oh my god, I’m not the only one. Clint, are we going crazy together? Should we start a club? Get some stationery made? I call president, but you can be secretary.” Stark’s sudden enthusiasm was a little terrifying. **  
  
**“It’s not me.” **  
  
**“ _Natasha’s_ going crazy? Not so sure I want to join that particular club, don’t tell her I said so. Unless you’re sleeping together in which case it will totally spill out during pillow talk.” **  
  
**Clint rolled over and buried his face in the pillow. This was too much. He couldn’t handle it. **  
  
**“We need to meet up. Figure out what’s going on.” **  
  
**“Unnnggh....” **  
  
**“My place tomorrow morning. Give you enough time to work off that hangover.” **  
  
**Clint started to protest that he didn’t need _that_ long, but the line went dead and then he noticed that the clock said 2:00 PM and he thought some painkillers and a good night’s sleep before taking on the hallucinations wouldn’t be a bad idea. **  
  
**Clint made his way into the main room. Natasha was sitting on the couch, eating eggs, and looking like a supermodel. “Stark saw Phil too.” **  
  
**Tasha’s eyes went wide. **  
  
**“He wants to meet tomorrow to compare notes. I think you two are starting some unofficial hallucinating club.” **  
  
**“I don’t want to join that club.” **  
  
**“Well, that makes two of you.” **  
  
**xxxx **  
  
**When Clint and Natasha arrived at the partially renovated top floor of Stark Tower, Steve was also there. He was rubbing his forehead and Tony was handing him a glass of… Clint couldn’t tell, but it looked like it would be dangerous if Steve was actually capable of getting drunk, which kind of made Clint want a cup. Or two or three. **  
  
**Natasha flopped down on the couch. “You too?” **  
  
**Steve nodded. “Twice.” They spent the next hour comparing stories and determining that yes, they were all (minus Clint) seeing the same Phil, at City Bakery, at 11:30 AM. Every. Single. Day. Also, if Stark didn’t stop mocking him for being hallucination-less, he was going to get a trick arrow to the arc reactor. Clint just needed to decide between putty or explosive tip. **  
  
**The elevator dinged and Pepper’s voice floated down the hall. “Tony?” **  
  
**“Living room.” **  
  
**“We need to talk.”  Pepper came in wearing a distinct ‘I’ve seen Phil Coulson’ look on her face. Yeah, there was now a facial expression to go along with the damn affliction. **  
  
**“OK, what’s up?” **  
  
**“Other room. Now.” Pepper grabbed Tony’s hand and began to drag him out. **  
  
**“Whoa, hey! Pep, you gotta slow down. What’s going on? Did you see Phil? You look like you’ve seen Phil.” **  
  
**Pepper stopped and turned. “Oh my God, are you developing some kind of crazy mind reading software that you secretly installed and didn’t happen to tell me about?” **  
  
**“Uhhhhh, no. Although now that you mention it, not a bad idea. I can give you about twenty percent credit.” **  
  
**Pepper gave him a ‘you gotta be kidding look’. **  
  
**Tony shrugged. “Better than twelve.” **  
  
**Pepper’s expression shifted just the teensiest bit towards ‘really fucking angry’. **  
  
**“Right. That’s not important. I know about Phil. We all know about Phil. In fact, we’ve all seen Phil. Except Clint. He’s just here for the alcohol. Also, he may be sleeping with Natasha.” **  
  
**Before Pepper could even react, Natasha leapt out of her seat and punched Tony in the arm. **  
  
**“Hey!” Tony grabbed his arm and stumbled backwards, towards Pepper. **  
  
**“Be happy I didn’t hit you somewhere more sensitive.” **  
  
**“Back to Phil. You’ve all seen him?” Pepper asked. “Coming out of City Bakery at 11:30 AM?” **  
  
**Everyone but Clint nodded. **  
  
**“I want to know how this is possible.” **  
  
**Steve stood up. “Well, everyone thought I was dead for about 60 years. Why can’t Phil still be alive?” **  
  
**Clint felt the sudden need to play devil’s advocate. “But Fury told us he was dead.” **  
  
**Natasha scowled at Clint. “Fury lies. We all know that. Remember Phase Two? And then there’s the team-building. As morbid as it sounds, Phil’s death pulled us together. Fury needed to give us that extra push and faking Phil’s death would have been the perfect solution.” **  
  
**There was silence as everyone contemplated Fury’s evil manipulative abilities. Natasha just seemed relieved that she was no longer Crazy: Party of One and everyone else was starting to think like she did. **  
  
**Of course, Tony had to break the quiet. **  
  
**“So, anyone up for a field trip tomorrow? Clint over here hasn’t been initiated into our little club. And I think the rest of us could all use a little reassurance and some proof. Maybe even hot chocolate. City Bakery has great hot chocolate. Nothing like a hot drink during a stakeout.” Tony pointed at Clint. “No spiking the chocolate, Barton!” **  
  
**Clint just gave Tony his most enigmatic grin. Spiked hot chocolate didn’t sound all that bad. **  
  
**xxxx **  
  
**The next day, the five of them sat huddled together on a bench across the street from the bakery. Sadly, the incognito stakeout thing wasn’t working out too well. They weren’t able to secure an apartment or decent roof access on such short notice (mostly because Tony wasn’t able to buy the building across from the bakery in less than twenty four hours), so they had to make do with the bench. As soon as Clint pointed out that it had the best vantage point from street level, Tony insisted that they clear it of the couple currently occupying it. Natasha caused a small ruckus when she forcibly removed the uncooperative lovers, but quickly discovered that shoving a SHIELD badge in someone’s face did wonders for compliance nowadays. **  
  
**The five of them then crammed themselves onto a bench that Tony declared was built to hold “Four people, maybe three and a half.” **  
  
**“How do you have half a person?” Nat asked, trying very hard not to laugh. **  
  
**“If they’re really tiny, like small children. Then they’re only considered half a person.” **  
  
**Natasha rolled her eyes. Pepper had somehow wound up on Tony’s lap and Tony was heavily hinting that Natasha should also wind up on Clint’s. Clint thought they looked ridiculous enough already, without half of them sitting on top of each other. **  
  
**“Are we doing this right?” Everyone looked at Steve, who was crammed into the middle of the bench. “I mean, we’re pretty obvious.” **  
  
**“We’re going for shock and grab, Cap. No need to be subtle.” **  
  
**“We should also switch off having someone keep watch on the other side of the street.” Natasha got off the bench. “I’ll go across for the first twenty minutes.” **  
  
**“Bring back some hot chocolate when you’re done!” Tony yelled as Natasha wound her way through the cars and across the road. **  
  
**xxxx **  
  
**“Should I feel left out that you guys had a party and didn’t invite me?” They all turned to see Bruce Banner standing behind the bench. **  
  
**Everyone except Cap developed a sudden interest in the sidewalk. **  
  
**“Are you mad?” Steve asked. **  
  
**“And by mad, he means are you in danger of turning big and green and destructive?” Tony asked, very unhelpfully. **  
  
**“No, just feeling a little left out. And wondering if all of you are hanging around City Bakery for the same reason I’m hanging around City Bakery.” **  
  
**“Phil?” **  
  
**“Yup.” **  
  
**“Great. So here’s what you missed: We’re all crazy except Clint. That realization led to setting up a very complicated sting operation-” **  
  
**Everyone on the bench spun around to stare at Tony. **  
  
**“OK, so we tried to set up a complicated sting operation from that really nice apartment building behind us, but the owner wouldn’t sell so we had to settle for this crummy bench and is anyone else’s butt falling asleep?” **  
  
**They all shook their heads. Actually, Clint’s butt was feeling kind of tingly, especially since it was somewhat awkwardly hanging off the side of the bench, but he wasn’t about to give Tony any more fodder. **  
  
**“Can I join you guys?” **  
  
**“Sure! The bench is kind of small, but you’re welcome to sit on Clint’s lap while Natasha’s across the street.” Tony gave Clint his cheesiest smile. **  
  
**Clint sprung up. “No! No, he’s not!” **  
  
**“Come on, Clint, don’t spoil all the fun. We all want to sit down. Actually, we all need to sit down or we might fall down from shock when Phil shows up. Give up your lap for the greater good.” **  
  
**“I’ll stand, thanks. Dr. Banner, if you’d like to sit...” Clint got up and gestured at the seat. Bruce slid into it with a mumbled, “Thanks.” **  
  
**xxxx **  
  
**Natasha came back twenty minutes later with steaming mugs of chocolate. She had seen Bruce arrive (of course), so he got a cup too. **  
  
**Tony wasn’t kidding about the hot chocolate. It was easily the best thing Clint had ever drunk. The marshmallow was also bigger than normal. And the way it melted in the chocolate... **  
  
**“This is so fucking good. I can’t believe I forgot how good this is. I need some of this stuff every day. I want to buy this place. Pepper, can I buy this place?” **  
  
**Pepper rolled her eyes. “Sure, Tony.” **  
  
**“You’re not taking me seriously. Why are you not taking me seriously?” **  
  
**“You’re on a sugar high, Tony.” **  
  
**“Mmmmmm....” **  
  
**The Avengers all looked around to see who was mmmmmming. They were shocked to see that it was Bruce, and he looked like he was in hot chocolate nirvana. **  
  
**“Bruce? Buddy? Science bro?” Tony leaned over Steve and poked Bruce several times. **  
  
**“Tony, I don’t think-” **  
  
**Clint began to slowly back away from the bench. Natasha followed, using Clint as a human shield. **  
  
**“But nothing’s happening!” **  
  
**Clint stopped backing away. It was true. No signs of green. Just a man and his chocolate. “Did we-did we just cure The Hulk?” **  
  
**No one quite knew what to say. Except Tony. **  
  
**“I wonder if I can patent this. Exclusive rights to cure your green rage men at Stark Laboratories.” **  
  
**Pepper poked Tony. **  
  
**“Ow, Pep.” **  
  
**“Shut up, Tony.” **  
  
**xxxx **  
  
**They were all sitting around, poking Bruce (who continued to not respond), discussing their non-existent plan, and forgetting to send someone back across the road, when Clint saw a blur of suit in front of the bakery. **  
  
**“Across the street, heading inside!” **  
  
**The Avengers sprang up and dashed across four lanes of cars. New York City traffic was not amused. Shoving a SHIELD badge at the windshield of a taxi was somehow less effective than Clint felt it should be. Everyone else cooperated. Well, he never had particularly good feelings about the city’s taxi drivers anyway. The honking was deafening and most of their screams couldn’t ever be repeated in polite company. Or impolite company. Someone could get some seriously bad ideas about your mother. **  
  
**The Avengers assembled in a line in front of the bakery entrance. A few people gave them strange looks. They flashed their badges and assured the patrons that everyone was free to enter and exit the bakery as they chose. Ten minutes later, a man in a dark suit and sunglasses, carrying a small paper bag and a steaming to-go mug, headed towards the exit. **  
  
**As the door swung open, all Clint could do was scream, “Phil!” It really was Phil, standing right there in front of them. It was crazy. He was hallucinating. He could finally start questioning his sanity along with everyone else. **  
  
**Tony slapped Clint on the back. “Thank God we finally popped Clint’s cherry. How do you feel?” **  
  
**Clint didn’t answer, he just continued to stare at the man who was most definitely SHIELD Agent Phil Coulson. Phil stood there, staring right back at them. The next two and a half seconds contained a very awkward and silent stare-down between Phil and The Avengers. It ended when Natasha stepped forward and grabbed Phil’s wrist. She twisted it back in a move that looked painful and probably should have made Phil drop the paper bag. Phil didn’t even wince. Clint would have gone on about a newfound respect for Phil’s abilities as an agent, but he was a little too peeved at Phil at the moment to feel anything but lots of burning anger. **  
  
**“Definitely real,” Natasha proclaimed. That probably wasn’t the best thing to say, since the others (Clint included) immediately stepped forward to touch and pinch Phil and confirm that he was, indeed, solid and not a whacked out hallucination of their slowly deteriorating minds. Being the dysfunctional superheroes that they were, the touching portion lasted a bit longer than necessary, was probably extremely awkward for Phil, and most likely led several innocent bystanders to assume that they were trying out candidates for an orgy. Or were about to have one on the street. And by the way, who the _hell_ was trying to touch his ass? **  
  
**“City Bakery, Phil? Really?” **  
  
**“The mac and cheese is excellent.” **  
  
**The second most awkward silence Clint had ever participated in descended on the group. “So’s the hot chocolate,” Bruce added. Everyone nodded in silent agreement. Most of them were still carrying lukewarm mugs of the stuff. Bruce was particularly protective of his cup during all the touching. **  
  
**“Now that we’ve established the supremacy of the mac and cheese, I’d like to get back to the part of this operation where we make Phil explain how he’s alive and why we were lied to.” Pepper stepped forward and gave Phil her best menacing look. Clint smiled to himself. Pepper knew how to get stuff done. **  
  
**“Well, that’s an interesting story. One that I had minimal involvement in, actually.” **  
  
**Clint snorted. “Sure.” **  
  
**Phil ignored him. “Why don’t you all get something to eat and more hot chocolate and we’ll talk. Food’s on me.” **  
  
**They all looked at each other, shrugged, and went inside. Free food was free food. And Phil definitely owed them at least fifty orders of mac and cheese. Each. Some alcohol wouldn’t go amiss either. **  
  
**xxxx **  
  
**“So this is technically Fury’s fault is what you’re saying?” Steve asked. He was on his fifth plate of mac and cheese and Clint was a little too fascinated by Steve’s ability to speak around several mouthfuls of noodles and not spray them all with nasty food bits. **  
  
**Phil nodded. “It was his plan. He swore the doctors to secrecy, apparently through some very creative threats. I didn’t regain consciousness until about a week after Thor took Loki back to Asgard so I couldn’t have stopped it.” **  
  
**“Why didn’t anyone tell us before this?” Steve asked. **  
  
**“I think Fury was planning a surprise party.” **  
  
**“Well, that’s just sick!” Tony exclaimed, throwing down a forkful of food. Everyone else nodded in agreement while Natasha muttered something in Russian around a mouthful of pastry. It sounded like a very menacing threat. Most Russian sounded like a very menacing threat though. The pastry just made it look adorable. **  
  
**“I’m sorry about your Captain America trading cards. I should have signed them earlier. I think the blood stains decrease their value.” **  
  
**Phil’s eyes went wide. “Blood stains? Are you sure?” **  
  
**They all nodded. Natasha explained, “Before the battle, Fury gave this huge speech about how you died believing in us and then he threw a bunch of bloody Captain America trading cards on the table. As far as bloody motivational speeches go, it was pretty tame.” **  
  
**Phil’s forehead creased. “Those were in my locker. I never would have gone to see Loki with them on me.” His face twitched. “Excuse me. I need to discuss something with Director Fury.” **  
  
**Coulson got up, pulling his phone out of his pocket, and headed to the back of the seating area. Everyone craned their heads to hear better, but Phil’s back was to them. After about three minutes, he returned to the table. **  
  
**“Well?”  
 **  
**“I’ll have a brand new set on my desk in under 24 hours. If any of you mess with them, I’m chucking you off the side of the helicarrier midflight. No questions asked.” **  
  
**Pepper looked extremely impressed with Coulson’s negotiation skills. Clint was just trying to understand how someone could threaten Fury _and_ The Avengers in a span of five minutes and not get the shit beaten out of him. **  
  
**Steve smiled at Coulson. “I’ll sign them tomorrow.” **  
  
**The conversation was interrupted by a very loud voice coming from the front of the bakery that sounded suspiciously like Thor. Of course, it was Thor and he was walking towards their table bellowing about how he did not believe it and who knew these cursed apparitions were true to life. **  
  
**Well, at least demi-gods sometimes think they hallucinate too. **  
  
**Thor grabbed Coulson in a bear hug exclaiming how impressive his mortal form felt. He then asked if returning from the dead was normal for residents of Midgard. The Avengers shook their heads no. **  
  
**“It was a faked death,” Coulson said, a little too enthusiastically. Clint decided Coulson was probably going to milk this for all it was worth and he should stay away from Phil until the novelty wore off. **  
  
**“Ho, you must tell me how you Midgardians pull off so fearsome a surprise.” **  
  
**After Thor purchased half the pastries in the shop, they all listened to the story again while Tony ran around asking employees if it was possible to buy all of their hot chocolate as a patented Hulk-cure, and if not, could he buy the bakery instead. **  
  
**Man, Fury was gonna have one hell of a day, come Monday. **  
**

**Author's Note:**

> P.S. City Bakery really exists. And they're famous for their hot chocolate. It will send you straight to a higher state of bliss, guaranteed.


End file.
